Lawrence, KS: Port Fonda's Ship Will Soon Set Sail ... Into Oblivion

Port Fonda
900 New Hampshire, Ste B
Lawrence, KS 66044
Phone number: (785) 856-2535
Website: portfonda.com
Prices: $$$$

I forgot my phone in the car, so please excuse the lack of photos. I have been wanting to try Port Fonda since they opened, but, to be honest, the menu never did do much for me. I like traditional Mexican food and am not enamored with the many Mexican-fusion menus and ingredients that have become so cliche lately. However, before I leave Lawrence and the Midwest for the Left Coast later this year, I thought I should give them a try.

I met a friend downtown and we walked over, entering a large, but mostly empty, dining room that looks more like a sports bar than a Mexican restaurant. I despise paying for chips and salsa, but we ordered it anyway ($5), coming in a small tin bucket accompanied by choice of two salsas (we got the corn and roasted tomatillo). The chips were  a bit skimpy, but fresh and obviously homemade, and the salsas good. but not great. I was a bit disappointed for $5.

The "special" sounded good, a deep fried chimichanga filled with chicken, rice, pork belly and some other stuff topped with a poblano (or was it serano?) chile cheese sauce ($14). The chimichanga was quite tasty, but very greasy, feeling my arteries clogging with every mouthful. It was about half the size of your average chimichanga and came with zilch, zippo, nada, making it the equivalent of a $28 chimichanga, ale carte, no rice, no beans, at your run of the mill Mexican place. Not a great value.

Because my ratings are based on value, bang-for-the-buck, and not on just the quality of the food, I cannot in good conscience give Port Fonda even an average rating (5 Bombs Out Of 10). Let's face it, their ala carte chimichanga belongs in the $6 to $8 range max, not $14, particularly at lunch. Additionally, I detest restaurants that charge for chips and salsa and $5 is ridiculous for what we received. The highlight of our lunch was the server, who was very attentive, but then she should be as we were two of the few customers in the place at noon on a Thursday.

Now I know why the place is empty and why they have received such mediocre ratings. I doubt that this place will be around much longer and am surprised they have remained open for over a year.

CombatCritic Gives Port Fonda 3 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better!

Three Bombs Equates To:

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Read Chris S.'s review of Port Fonda on Yelp

Title: Lawrence, KS: Port Fonda's Ship Will Soon Set Sail ... Into Oblivion

Key Words: Port Fonda, port, fonda, New Hampshire, Lawrence, Kansas, Mexican, Mexico, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, business, review, Yelp, Zomato, Tabelog

Translation for Civilians: SNAFU = "Situation Normal, All Fucked Up"

Lawrence, KS: Taco Taco, Just Give Me A Taco!

Taco Zone 
13 E. 8th Street
Lawrence, KS 66044
Phone number: (785) 424-7123
Website: thetacozone.com
Prices: $$$$

I was not extremely impressed the first time we ate here and am not overly so after the second. I hear many in Lawrence raving about Taco Zone, but have yet to see what all the fuss is about other than it may be the best of many mediocre Mexican food options in a city of nearly 100,000.

The food is pretty good, hence my rating (in comparison only to Lawrence, Kansas and the lack of decent retail food establishments), but in Los Angeles, San Antonio, New York City or other food havens, they would deserve 3-stars at best.

I am acquainted with one of the owners (through the American Legion where they do most of their preparation), a very nice man and well trained at the infamous Le Cordon Bleu in Paris on a scholarship from Julia Child no less, but think Taco Zone is trying too hard to be a "trendy", Mexican-fusion outlet when they should focus a bit more on the basics. There has not been a traditional Mexican taco filling option on the menu in my two visits ... "chorizo and potato", "chicken mole", "chile rojo beef and sweet potato", and "braised lamb and green olive" for example. They should stop trying to be quite so trendy and eclectic and stick more to the basics (carnitas, adobada, carne asada, al pastor, etc.), offering at least a couple traditional Mexican taco fillings.

Then there are the tortillas. I have rarely seen such tiny corn tortillas used for serving "street tacos" and when I have (which is rarely), there are traditionally two. The fillings appear generous when compared to the teeny weeny tortillas, but when you can eat an entire taco in three (not so large) bites, something ain't right. Their "Taco Plate" consists of three tacos for $7 or $2.33333333 per taco with no rice or beans, only some pickled carrots. On "Taco Tuesday" you can get the Taco Plate for $5, a much better deal, but the tortillas are still ridiculously small.

Their guacamole is decent, but also small for the price, coming with chips that are better than many places, but fried a little too long and a tad too salty. The strangest thing being the fact that they scrutinize the number of chips they put in each paper bag order, weighing them on an electronic scale to ensure you do not get one chip more than they have deemed necessary.

I really do want to like this place more because I encourage creativity, thinking outside the box, and the entrepreneurial spirit. If you are familiar with my blog or reviews, you know that I am also brutally honest and rarely give 5-stars (9-10 Bombs) and 4-stars (7-8 Bombs) is reserved for those who go above-and-beyond the call to duty. Taco Zone is average in my book, not a bad thing at all, no matter how many reviewers in general and LFK brethren in particular bestow the highest rating far too frequently in my eyes.

CombatCritic Gives Taco Zone 6 Bombs Out Of 10 ... A Slightly Above Average Rating In My Book And A One Bomb Downgrade From My Previous Review Because My Recommendations Were Ignored ... More Bombs Are Better!

Six Bombs Equates To:

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Read Chris S.'s review of Taco Zone on Yelp

Title: Lawrence, KS: Taco Taco, Just Give Me A Taco!

Key Words: Taco Zone, taco, zone, Lawrence, Kansas, KS, University of Kansas, KU, university, Mexico, Mexican, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, review, Yelp, Zomato

Translation for Civilians: G2G = "Good To Go"

Lawrence, KS: Undercooked Steak, Paltry Pasta, And "Nosebleed" Table Left Me Uninspired

Merchants Pub & Plate

746 Massachusetts Street

Lawrence, KS 66044

Phone number: (785) 843-4111

Website: merchantsonmass.com

Prices: $$$$

I have been wanting to try Merchants since they opened over three years ago, but every time I checked their menu online, it just did not inspire me. Local hipsters and metrosexuals gave them high marks, raving about their food and beer options, but these are the same people that gives 5-stars (10 Bombs in my book, a rating reserved for only the very Best in Value) to some of the many mediocre restaurants in Lawrence. As a matter of fact, links on Merchants' website list them among "The Best Restaurants In Lawrence, Kansas" (KCUR Radio) and "Lawrence is a great day trip for foodies" (Kansas City Star), along with several less than stellar Lawrence restaurants, according to Kansas City media outlets.

We arrived at around 5:30 for our Valentine's Day reservation, having been called the day before to confirm our reservation and asked if I was "disabled", a rather odd question. I said no, even though I am an 80% disabled veteran, because it's basically none of their business, and was told "good", we'll put you upstairs then". Rather than make an issue of it, I painfully made my way up the stairs to not the first balcony, but to the very top floor, two stories above the "prime" dining room. I survived, but felt like a second (or is it third because of the floor we were on?) class citizen.

Merchants advertises "Happy Hour", but fails to mention anywhere on their website or menu what time Happy Hour actually is. It turns out, after asking our server, that it is from 5pm to 6pm, so I ordered an IPA ($3.50 vice $7) and a porter ($3.25 vice $6.50) before the clock struck six. Both were quite good and a great value at half of their regular price.

For our appetizer, we were trying to decide between the Local Mushroom Arancini ($9 - arancini are indigenous to my wife's hometown of Naples, Italy) or the Burrata ($10) with broccoli pesto candied garlic, smoked pecan, and slices of grilled Wheatfields baguette. Even though my wife is from Southern Italy and I lived there for three years, neither of us had remembered hearing of "burrata", the menu says nothing about it being made from mozzarella cheese, and our server failed to mention the fact as well. Because the arancini came with a tomato-based sauce (my wife is one of few Italians that hates tomatoes), we decided on the burrata. It was actually quite good, but there was too much of the creamy spread for the six very small slices of baguette. At $10, it was a fair value, but would have been better had it come with a couple more slices of baguette to spread the sweet and savory concoction on. The menu should also mention the fact that burrata is a type of mozzarella cheese because even a Southern Italian had not realized that mozzarella was the main ingredient.

For entrees, my wife had the Housemade Fettucine ($16), a rather skimpy and dry plate of reddish pasta, apparently in a white wine butter garlic sauce with spinach, almond, onion confit, dates, and breadcrumbs. Beside being quite a small portion for the price, it was very dry and tasted mostly of onion. Not a very good dish and my wife, who is not a big eater, was still hungry when she finished it. 

I had the Grilled Ribeye ($32), the most expensive thing on the menu, a 12 ounce steak in a peppercorn, red wine-shallot butter and Worcestershire onion jam sauce (incorrectly spelled "worchestershire" by the way, uncapitalized - Worcestershire is a county in England - and with an "h' where there should not be one). I ordered it medium/medium-well, telling our server that I do not like bloody meat and that a "little pink in the middle" would be great. The steak came out more medium rare than medium well, but even though the server offered to have it cooked some more (meaning "thrown in the microwave"), I declined and ate the "bloody" thing. Even though it was much rarer than I prefer, it was actually quite tender and the sauce extraordinary, making up for unappetizing color of the meat. It came with horseradish roasted potatoes, which were decent, and creamed greens (kale perhaps), which were extremely good.

Because my wife was still hungry, and she has a massive sweet tooth, she could not resist the Persian Love Cake ($7), a cardamom sponge cake with "spiced pistachios, rosewater and saffron scented cream, and candied rose petal dust". It sounded quite bizzare on the menu, but was actually quite exotic and tasty, a nice finish to a decent meal.

First of all, our server, Devin, was very good, quite attentive, and the highlight of the meal. The atmosphere is also warm and inviting, even if we were in the nosebleed section. However, I got the impression that the chef in particular or the establishment in general are trying a bit too hard to be trendy and "gourmet", pulling it off on some occasions (the steak sauce and the dessert) and not on others (the pasta and undercooked steak). The prices are not exorbitant, but when you drop a C-note for dinner, it should be closer to flawless than we experienced at Merchants (e.g. my raw steak).

CombatCritic Gives Merchants Pub And Plate 6 Bombs Out Of 10 With Deductions For The Measly Portion Of Pasta (1 Bomb), Bloody Meat (2 Bombs), And "Nosebleed Section" Table (1 Bomb) ... More Bombs Are Better!

Six Bombs Equates To:

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Read Chris S.'s review of Merchants Pub & Plate on Yelp

Merchants Pub & Plate

Valentine's Day Menu

Title: Lawrence, KS: Undercooked Steak, Paltry Pasta,  And "Nosebleed" Table Left Me Uninspired

Key Words: Merchants Pub, Merchants, pub, plate, Massachusetts, Mass, Street, Lawrence, KS 66044, University of Kansas, university, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, review, Yelp, Zomato

Translation for Civilians: G2G = "Good To Go"

Vancouver, WA: Decent Burger(ville), Hot Fries ... Ho-Hum

Burgerville
8320 NE Vancouver Plaza Drive
Vancouver, WA 98662
Phone number: (360) 944-6230
Website: burgerville.com
Prices: $$$$

Empty when I walked in, I thought they might be closing. They were not.

I had heard about BURGERVILLE from an old, and I mean old, friend, so I had to give it a try and went all-in. I ordered the Colossal burger with bacon and a large fries. The burger was plentiful, reminiscent of burger (king) days gone by. The bun was big with lettuce, tomato pickle, two 1/4 pound patties, and a slab or two of pepper bacon ($6.50 plus the bacon). Good burger.

The fries were enough, but the difference between the "small", "medium", and "large" were miniscule and not particularly cheap. The first couple of fries were cold and the rest scalding hot, so I know they had dipped them in the fryer and mixed them with those left behind.

In all, not a bad meal. Better than McDonalds by miles and Burger King by about 5 years (since they downsized "The Whopper", not quite near the quality, flavor and free peanuts of Five Guys.

CombatCritic Gives Burgerville 5 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better!

Five Bombs Equates To:

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Title: Vancouver, WA: Decent Burger(ville), Hot Fries ... Ho-Hum

Key Words: Burgerville, burger, ville, hamburger, Washington, Vancouver, WA, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, review, Yelp, Zomato, Tabelog

Translation for Civilians: Charlie-Mike = "Continue Mission"

Portland, OR: The Jury's Still Out As To Whether Or Not I Become A "Regular"

Stammtisch (German, Gastropub)

401 NE 28th Avenue

Portland, OR 97232

Northeast Portland, Kerns

Phone number: (503) 206-7983

Website: stammtischpdx.com

Prices: $$$$

Not quite what I expected, having spent quite a bit of time in Germany and with a name like Stammtisch (German: a table reserved for "regulars"). More of an American bar/pub look than a German gasthaus, they do have some larger community-style tables you would see in Munich and other places in Germany, but that was about it.

They have a nice selection of German beers on tap at fairly reasonable prices ($5-$7 for 0.5 liter). I usually order my go-to, Warsteiner Dunkel, but decided on the Weltenburger Barock Dunkel instead, a dark, robust beer that was quite tasty.

The menu is not big, but that is usually a good thing because ingredients are normally fresher. Their plates come in "Kleine" (small - $4-$9), "Mittel" (middle or medium -  $10-$16) and "Grosse" (big or large - $12-$23) with a nice selection of six or seven choices in each size class.

My wife would have gone with the Bretzel (pretzel - $5) as a starter, but because I left her in Kansas, I ordered the Currywurst ($6), a sliced pork and veal sausage with fries and house curry ketchup in a small cardboard bowl (which I found a bit odd). What the dish lacked in presentation, it made up for in flavor and was quite tasty although not quite hot enough.

Their entrees include the classics: Sauerbraten ($19), Wienerschnitzel ($15), and, of course, my favorite, Jägerschnitzel ($16) which I ordered. The seared pork loin was medium in size (small by German standards) and the mushroom gravy (Hunter's sauce) had all of two button mushrooms on top. The cutlet was served on top of the spätzle and red cabbage that accompanied it, not my preferred serving method. I love both spätzle and German red cabbage, but Jägerschnitzel should never sit on top of such an acidic and colorful side dish as red cabbage in my opinion. Spätzle? Maybe. Red cabbage? Absolutely not! I have had all types of schnitzels in Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Hungary, and Bosnia-Herzogovina (as well as the U.S. and India believe it or not) and it was never served on top of anything. In fact, in many places the sides (spätzel, potatoes, vegetables) are routinely served family style in separate serving dishes, so the only thing on the plate is usually the schnitzel and it is normally massive.

The server was friendly and efficient although he never told me his name. I asked him about the size of the portions in order to determine whether or not I should order the currywurst and the Jägerschnitzel and after telling me, I decided to order the currywurst. My beer had arrived in the meantime and I was in no hurry to go back to an empty house, so I savored the brew and starter, planning on ordering another beer when he took my entree order. Next thing I knew, the Jägerschnitzel arrived much to my surprise. He must have misunderstood my intentions, but fortunately I would have ordered it anyway and had not changed my mind in the interim. I did not need the second beer anyway.

Parking is on the street only and a challenge to find a spot anywhere close, particularly for a disabled person/veteran. The currywurst could have been served in a proper dish or bowl, not something taquitos come in at a little league game. The jägerschnitzel should not have been "assumed" and absolutely NOT placed on top of the red cabbage. A small German salad and some pumpernickel would have also been a nice accompaniment to a $16-$23 dinner  Finally, a little German ambience would lend itself well to the surroundings, but overall it was a decent, pleasant dinner.

CombatCritic Gives Stammtisch 6 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better!

Six Bombs Equates To:

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Yelp - Elite '14/'15/'16/'17

Tabelog - Official Judge (Silver)

Zomato - #1 Ranked "Verified" Foodie





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Read Chris S.'s review of Stammtisch on Yelp

Title: Portland, OR: The Jury's Still Out As To Whether Or Not I Become A "Regular"

Key Words: Stammtisch, German, Germany, gasthaus, schnitzel, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, beer, bier, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, review, Yelp, Zomato, Tabelog

Translation for Civilians: G2G = "Good To Go"

Portland, OR: Cold Food, Apathetic Attitude ... Cha! Cha! Cha!

Cha! Cha! Cha!
5225 N. Lombard Street
Portland, OR 97203
North Portland, Portsmouth
Phone number: (503) 802-2262
Website: chachachapdx.com
Prices: $$$$

Now I understand why this place rates just three stars. The food was good, but lukewarm and the staff obviously were more concerned about closing and cleaning up than customers.

I ordered the guacamole and chips ($4.95), a decent (not huge) size of mediocre guac and chips that seemed to be made in house. It is obvious when guacamole is cut with something (Imo, sour cream, tomatoes, etc.) to increase profit and this was, although not bad. Their house salsa was the highlight of the meal, containing all of the ingredients of pico de gallo (tomato, white onion, jalapeño or serrano chile, cilantro, and lime juice) roasted, then blended into a thick, creamy dipping sauce that was absolutely wonderful.

Then came dinner, quickly. When the entrees arrive so quickly, you know they are closing and want to pump out orders as fast as they can so they can clean (which I observed) or the stuff is all prepped and thrown together once ordered. My pet peeve, the server brought my entree before I was less than halfway through my appetizer ... HELLO, CHIPS, SALSA, AND GUACAMOLE ... please let me enjoy them before you bring my food.

In this case, it did not matter because the food was lukewarm, at best, when it arrived. I ordered two tacos ala carte ($3.50 each - one carne asada and one with "mama's braised beef") and a cheese and onion enchilada ($3.75 - with rojo - red - sauce). The enchilada was not cold, but almost, and the cheese inside had barely been melted. The flavor was actually quite good, but would have been much better properly warmed.

It was obvious that clean-up and closing were more important than customers because the cleaning started well before closing time and they turned away a couple that arrived a few minutes after 9pm (closing).

CombatCritic Gives Cha! Cha! Cha! 4 Bombs Out Of 10 ... More Bombs Are Better!

Four Bombs Equates To:

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Read Chris S.'s review of Cha! Cha! Cha! on Yelp

Title: Portland, OR: Cold Food, Apathetic Attitude ... Cha! Cha! Cha!

Key Words: Cha! Cha! Cha!, cha, Mexican, Portland, Oregon, taco, enchilada, CombatCritic, TravelValue, travel, value, restaurant, menu, product, service, review, Yelp, Zomato, Tabelog

Translation for Civilians: BOHICA = "Bend Over, Here It Comes Again"